Keha versus the Crystal Gems
by Eogrus
Summary: Ke ha goes to Beach City. I wonder what will happen?


"Larala la/  
Gross/  
Larala la..."

Steven and Connie were playing in the beach. Frankly he preffered Amethyst, but that naggy bitch the indian Tamil Connie nagged him into fusing with her a lot so they would not have actual sex, so he complied. Now they were Stevonie, the delicious hotness intersex being that everyone in Beach City talked about. They played about happily; all things considered it was a great day, and they had fun hanging out with the cool kids and Lars and Sadie. Now they were watching the movie Dogcopter 5: The Hands Of Fate, which was enjoyably bad and had lots of sex and nudity, which for little kids was great.

It was a great day, all things considered.

"Okay, fuck it..."

Then Kesha crashed through the screen, carrying two machine guns. She shot liberally, killing most of the children and parents in the audience but taking care to not kill Stevonnie and her friends. While in midair she shot two bombs at the exits, preventing them from escaping. She came in landing on Dewey's ugly forehead, crushing it with her heels and utterly destroying his brain. She then used the momentum to kick Jenny's jaw, ripping it out of her face and sending it flying to the balcony, before shoving a grenade up her exposed throat and sending her head and spine flying into the ceiling.

"Screw this, I'm oughta here" said Lars, but Kesha grabbed him by the used ear holes and rode him like a horse, breaking his back and making him paraplegic.

Sadie grabbed her whiskey bottle and threw at Kesha, but she grabbed the bottle before it even hit her and punched sadie. She then broke the bottle and stabbed Sadie in the uterus with her glass shards, before rotating the bottle. She drilled her belly, tearing out her womb whih she took it out and rubbed on her titties with much pleasure. Kesha then took out a chainsaw and inserted it on Sadie's snatch, cutting upwards more easily thanks to the already existing hole as she slowly bissected her torso up to her ribcage. Then she grabbed Lars immobile but fully aware body, sliced off his arms and legs with the chainsaw and put his body inside the opened up Sadie torso.

Kesha then took out a thread and began sewing Sadie back up, now "pregnant" with Lars. Because of his size, however, her insides were smashed and began being shoved upwards, her neck growing thick with the pressed lungs, heart, easophagus and trachea, until finally her upper body exploded in a shower of gore, her head falling off and then being crushed by Kesha's heel. Lars stayed inside, and Kesha sealed the new openings on Sadie's body, leaving him there trapped until he run out of oxygen and died.

Which would take hours.

Kesha then grabbed Lars' arms and turned to Stevonnie, punching them in the face with Lars' arm, knocking them out unconscious. She then turned to Sour Cream, who was shiding in a corner, and took out a knife.

"Time to get the day going/  
Dressin' up for the night/  
Yo, critter crew (Say what)/  
Make Princess Ke$ha look fine..."

There was a knock at the door, so Pearl went to answer.

"Who could it be?" she asked lesbianly and uglyly.

When she opened the door, she saw Kesha, who was wearing Sour Cream's ripped off face like a mask.

"Uh, hi there?" Pearl asked, she was looking at Kesha's boobs because she was a lesbo rapist.

Kesha then took out a nuclear reactor and stuck it on Pearl's chest, destroying her physical body in an instant. Only her gem remained, and Kesha was quick to grab it and put it on her necklace. There were seven other slots to fill, so she sat on the couch, waiting for her victims.

"Add a little pinch of magic from my fairy tale life/  
And off we go-oh-oh..."

Amethyst and Garnet came from the portal.

"That the fuck is this!?" said Amethyst, before her limbs were cutt off by the chainsaw-firing guns that Kesha installed and she puffed.

Ganert was smarter and evaded them, destroying them, but nothing could prepare her for Kesha's weapon. It was a massive canon made from the decaying flesh extracted from little children, sewed together when they were still alive. Peedee was still alive, his skin grafted into the flesh construct, no distinction where his body began and where the mass ended.

"Kill me..." he muttered weakly, before a porous opening in the flesh made a disgusting tentacle appendage fuck his both, ejaculating diarrhea.

It began to glow with pink darkness, and fired a laser beam of pure shadow at Garnet. Just as her physical form was destroyed, Kesha jumped it dressed as a miko and put a chinese paper with moon runes on each gem. An energy of darkness glowed, and now Sapphire and Ruby were fused forever just like the Cluster, an ironic and just punishment for being ugly lesbos that didn't lust after Steven.

Kesha put the two garnets and amethyst in her necklace. Then she grabbed a scubba driving dress.

"Look in the mirror rub my eyes/  
And what is this/  
Some genie slut/  
Smiling back/  
Suck it bitch!..."

Malachite was resting at the bottom of the sea, when Kesha came in her submarine armed with nuclear torpedos. She fired, but to her surprise Malachite threw them away with her waterbending. The missles flew out of the sea and all landed on Beach City, blowing the whole place into a nuclear wasteland. The sky became dark, the shockwaves destroyed all the buildings, all people were incenerated alive.

Kesha had an idea, and brought the mirror where Lapis had been trapped all those years and showed it to Malachite. Lapis had a PTSD break down, and tried to escape, break down the fusion. But just then, Kesha threw her sacred moon runes paper. Because she couldn't become a miko underwater she had killed a japanese woman and ripped out her buckteeth to put on her mouth so she could pretend to be asian.

The two malachites fell into the ocean floor, and Kesha got them. She couldn't help but be amused, that the forced fusion truly became a forced fusion, and that the two slutty gems would be raping each other forever.

"I'm getting ready so ni-i-ice/  
(Holla)/  
It's kinda cool I got a robot voice..."

Peridot was on Argentina, kneeling down on Hitler's true grave with her palms together.

"Oh my Lord and Saviour, deliver this Earth to the Gems so that the jews and homersexuals may die" she prayed with faith in her mechanical heart (Lindsey Stirling reference).

Just then Kesha rode in a motorcycle made from children's dried rectums and began shooting down everywhere.

"You fucking clod, you can't shoot at a holy site or Stan will get you!" said Peridot, shooting her lighting at Kesha.

But Kesha dodged every hit and Peridot got every shot, all her metal parts breaking down. The shards were deflected by the graves until they were thrown out of the cemetery, stabbing argentinian children and sending their souls to Avici, where not even the Buddha would save them. Kesha got her knife and stabbed Peridot, puffing her and adding her gem to the collection.

Now only one gem remained.

"(Check this shit out)/  
No mirror lady bitch can deny-y/  
I'm gettin customized, customized, customized, right..."

Steven woke up naked on a filthy basement. He had been unconscious for three days, and tellingly he was completely covered in filth: shit, piss, rat corpses and moss where on every sinch of his skin, ticks and flees infested his dick and bore holes through his genitals.

"Connie?" he asked, trying to see if the bitch was near.

Indeed, she was: her decaying corpse was cut into pieces next to him, being gnawed at by rats and cockroaches. Steven much congratulationed, he hated Connie all along and seeing her dead made him very happy. He got an erection and fucked her dettached putrid snatch, whose black rotten walls peeled off. But a centipeeetle that was inside threw acid on his acid!

"AAAAAAAHHHHH MY WHORESTICK IS METLTINGGGGGGGGG!" cried Steven in dolor but also much pleasure because he was a pig for pain.

Then Kesha walked in and grabbed him by his manboobs, tearing them off and eating them, then throwing them up becaue of all the fat tissue within. Steven was very aroused and tried to rape her, only that he forgo that he had no dick anymore.

"Curses to the impotency of man's final fall!" said Steven angrily.

Then Kesha grabbed him by the holes in his manboobs, which made Steven moan with much pleasure. She then threw him on an operating table, strapping his limbs with barbwire full of Tetanus. His body began to spasm violently, his jaw dislodging and his body losing control of the bowel movements, ejecting pure drops of turd unto the table. Kesha lighted her lighter and dropped it on the shit, setting Steven on fire.

The boy screamed in agony as his flesh was righteously roasted for being an abomination of lust. Kesha took out a fork and kinfe and began to eat him alive, cutting the tender veal meat around his gem. She poured soy sauce on his hair and it lit ablaze, burning his scalp.

Finally, she got tirade of the charade and ripped out the gem from his body, bloody sinews singing from his belly button. Once the last sinew was bursted Steven's body began to melt, until he was nothing but a bloody fluid, that turned out the fire.

Now Kesha had all her gems for her neckace, so she turned on her cellphone and called the Homeworld, telling them that it was safe to invade. She used a magic power in her necklace and opened a portal, and all the Gems came in and enslaved mankind, entombing them alive in power plants and making them suffer agonising deaths, Kesha got to be the prettiest as always, and was spared from the Gem incursion by being the best.

"I'm getting ready so damn pumped up/  
(What up, mouse?)/  
Even with this wedgy riding up my butt/  
Thanks to Mister Crow you sneaky little fuck/  
I'm getting customized, customized, customized right" 


End file.
